by Ray Nombéby Ray Nombé
In downtown Los Angeles, proclaimed queen of Pop, Ariana Grande got caught in a sudden reign storm. Amidst the usual drought of the season, and near never happening rainfall for LA summertime, a sudden deluge of rain fell on the city, dousing the famed pop vocalist in a flood of admiration from fans as she proved she's just a girl, who was looking at a boy, asking him to love her.
In a collaborative effort to quickly get surprised fans out of the precipitation, Ariana and her co-singer Lady Gaga, stepped up to the mic to make a lovely harmony, only to be drowned out by the falling rain, but the excitement of the fans was not washed away by the flurry, and once the torrent subsided, everyone was back on the fairgrounds to splash in the puddles and depurate the slight spate of waterfall from bringing the night to a halt.
"It's a distilling feeling," admired Ariana, "that fans will rumble for a good time when a good time is to be had, and won't let a little rainfall rinse away their vigor, but will bathe themselves in the magic of the night and be cleansed from any negativity." Lady Gaga also commented, "It's hard to believe that during a song about being washed over by excitement and joy, that the skies of LA open up and bring ablution to the city."
Luckily, no one was hurt during the melée, only a little mud left on shoes and clothes, and despite the rain, no one was electricuted. Stage Hand, Elle Trocute, lauded the quick thinking of the concert crew and their use of specialized insulated wiring that prevents such possible disasters. "You can never be too careful, and proper use of proper wiring is key in making sure that the fun stays on the stage display, not in a display of electrical calamity."
by Niko Lasjay
Beloved Pulp Fiction and Avengers star went to the sounding board yesterday to clear the air about some "quotes" that he proclaims he has never said, but have been attributed to him irregardless.
In a podcast that went viral on YouTube, Samuel L. Jackson laughed at the absurdity of some of the quotes that he has been linked to, but made it clear that one such "word" that everyone knows he's found a way to insert into nearly every movie he's been in since Pulp Fiction, is just for fun, and is not the way he speaks normally in conversation. "I never use that word in my personal life."
Jackson renouced to listeners, "I don't always say that, I mean, I honestly don't always mothaf***in' say that! I don't know why people always think I'm always finding a way to use the term mothaf***er anytime I have a dialogue. I don't mothaf***in' get it. Is it really that hard to believe that I don't mothaf***in' talk that way all the mothaf***in' time? I mean, really, if people keep mothaf***in' thinking that way of me and prevaricating me all the mothaf***in time, and sometimes, around people who actually mothaf***in' know me, 'I will strike down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers (and sistas)' who would stand up for me, knowing for a fact, I'm just a regular, ordinary, no frills kinda mothaf***in' nice guy!"
Jackson went on to amuse himself with fans that chatted in the podcast, but was sure to avoid using the famed term for the remainder of the broadcast, despite pleas from listeners. He ended the podcast with a fury of regalings of quotes he has said from movies he's appeared in, to which he would "bleep" himself whenever the word he's synonymous for would be part of the line. In all, Jackson proved himself a humorous fellow with a sense of humor about the whole situation and even said he doesn't really mind all the credited misquotes, that they are tantamount to the sense of humor those who know him best, best know him for, and that his friends and family often text him quotes they find online, for him to delight in.
by Longli Vet-Heking
Since his death in 1977, there have been many theories about The King of Rock and Roll, from him ghost writing and singing for various impersonators, keeping himself out of the limelight, to being abducted by aliens, but one famed Kentucky medium (and Elvis Impersonator) says that the King Lives (on), and that he speaks to him from the 'Great Beyond,' the mysterious Graceland that is conjectured to contain the remnants of what is believed to be the "soul," not to mention, the true Heart of Rock N' Roll. Regarded as one of the "most significant cultural icons of the 20th century" (according to Wikipedia), Elvis lives on in the hearts and minds of many of his fans, but for this medium, he lives on through astral channels that allow "the King" to continue sharing his Love Me Tender tones and Hound Dog lyrics to new tunes that will make it hard for fans to refrain from Shake, Rattle and Roll'ing along to his latest Burning Love 'affair,' and get a new generation All Shook up. But will it be Too Much?
An homage to golden oldies, and current number one on the Top 40 Posthumous Charts, It Sure is Bright (On the Other Side), the newly released chorale co-sung by astral Elvis, and his personally professed medium, Lamont Chicanery, is sure to have fans old and young singing along in the car, with such lyrics as "Well'a bless my soul, wish you were here, where there's only joy and not a tear" to the catchy chorus:
It Sure is Bright
On the Other Side
Lovin', Laughin' All the Time
It Sure is Bright
On the Other Side
Lovin', Laughin' All the Time
Well'a, Well'a You ain't seen nothing
Til you seek more than you hide!
Lamont professes that Elvis is "Always on My Mind" and speaks to him, empyrally, with "A Little Less Conversation, a little more action. I Just Can't Help Believin'" he resounds, and croons that Elvis' return has been a Good Luck Charm for him. "I was Crying in the Chapel when he came to me. At first, I thought I Got Stung, and yelled out 'You're the Devil in Disguise', but then he revealed himself to me with such A Big Hunk O' Love that it made me want to Rock-a-Hula Baby. He said to me, My Boy, It's Only Love. I Beg of You, share my music for my fans. Initially, I was feeling (Now and Then There's) A Fool Such as I. How could I get people to believe, and then he told me, go to Memphis Tennessee and proclaim my Steamroller Blues. It'll be like you Wear My Ring Around Your Neck. People WILL believe, and I will be with you, Until It's Time for You to Go and join me in the afterlife."
Suspicious Minds, however, are not swayed by this "pipedream" that Lamont is touting. Maries Thename boosts, "He lauds over Elvis fans with the promise of Blue Suede Shoes in heaven for those who make believe, but his affiances are from In the Ghetto. When I asked Lamont 'Are You Lonesome Tonight?' - is that why you've conjured up this figment of Elvis, he simply pleaded, 'Let Me Be Your Teddy Bear' and challenged me to not be such a Hard Headed Woman, Little Sister, to which I retorted, 'Don't Cry Daddy' when this sham comes crumbling down!"
The Mystery Train has truly left the station, but Elvis has not yet left the building. The Heartbreak Hotel continues as fans deliberate over what to believe, but according to Lamont, "It's Now or Never, but this one's For the Heart." Don't be Cruel, Lamont, this Kentucky Rain is sure to wet the appetites of Elvis fans everywhere.
by Phil M. Noir
Tony Shaloub lived a year amongst monks in preparation and study for his role as the iconic character. "I felt it was the best way to know how a monk would think and act; they are so observant and keen on studying people, which makes up for their social awkwardness."
Shaloub, who played MONK from 2002-2009, and continues to reprise the role for various charitable events and TV Spots, is grateful for the opportunity to live amongst such humble beings, and for being able to take what he learned and apply it to the character. "Much of what I observed ended up becoming MONK. Every time I think of him, I think of the monks; they love when I come to visit and reprise the role for them, although, they are not allowed to comment on my performance, not because I wouldn't let them, but because they've taken a vow of silence, which, to me, is very introspective, and another trait I added to the character."
MONK follows the abnormally awkward and unconventional detective as he assists police in sleuthing out criminals. With his less than wonted personality and banal wiles, he is able to undermine the criminals' attempt to evade detection, and ultimately, like an episode of SCOOBY DOO, he reveals the dastardly culprits in the end.
MONK can still be enjoyed nights on TVinland.
by Phil M. Noir
In a major announcement made today, the Motion Picture Association announced the end of the film industry. "Moving Pictures are no more. Film is so yesterday. Since the advent of Digital, and its use in the movie industry, people are no longer enamored with the enameled stock, it just doesn't resinate."
In light of the recent pandemic forcing the motion picture industry out of theaters and directly into viewers homes, Movies, now to be referred to as Digitally Utilized Malleable Pictures, abbreviatingly called DUMP, will now continued to be DUMP'd to viewers directly by way of Pay Per Own, or PPO, and may also be viewed via limited access using various online retailers offering Rental Exclusionary Viewing, or REV'ing, purchasability.
Some film connoisseurs are reeling over the news. "Going to the theater has always been like a rite of passage, something theater goers have enjoyed doing to escape the humdrum of daily life, to engage in a fantastical microcosm that allows them to be surrounded by other worlds of imagination." Lawrence of Arabian Lights and Sound went on to say, "Taking away such virtual experiences is like wielding a two headed sword with the false belief that only one edge is sharp, thinking that it won't still cut through the chimera of cinematic intrigue taken in by each viewer's personal experience while being immersed in the veil of sight and sound, and will ultimately force the bijou of feature films on the silver screen into obscurity. Presenting viewers with the convenience of watching from home simply reduces the fascination with celluloid on a large scale, reducing the medium to nothing more than a flick of what it's always been."
Proponents of Film argue that bringing film directly to audiences will promote the economic growth of the motion picture industry. Some cinephiles are reluctant for the change, while others contend that "those who haven't always had the time or the luxury of going to theaters to watch the latest cinematic blockbuster, dramatic comedy, spine-tingling chiller or kid's movie, can now gather masses in the comforts of their homes and bring together families, friends, and similarly entertained social groups without having to worry about affordability or availability to get away for two and a half to three hours, driving distances to view movies in a crowded auditorium, and be guiled into making massive purchases of snacks and drinks they already have readily available at home."
It is a dawn of a new era, one in which Big Picture Cinema will either adapt to changing times and continue to thrive, or become emulgent and left in a gelatinous glob on the cutting room floor.