by Mac Thanifeby Mac Thanife
In a surprising turn of events, Victoria Nox, wife of renowned knife maker Kerr Shaw, was taken into custody late Friday night. Authorities will not comment on allegations that Nox attempted to murder her husband, but did go on record as saying that a sharp instrument was involved and that they did not want to further speculate on the matter until they had a firm handle on the situation.
One inside source did say that Shaw had been asleep at the time of the alleged salting, but did not want to flavor any already wild musings that Nox and Shaw were embroiled in a domestic dispute and would not hazard a guess about the nature of the grilling that was to ensue. Nox, however, while being escorted into the police building, exclaimed, "He was breathing and it was annoying me, so I had to stop it," but was hushed before she could expound on further details.
Details about the stabbing are, as yet, unconfirmed, and will be exaggerated upon once police release a formal statement of misrepresentation of the facts.
by Sue Kerpunch
With a second round of stimulus checks still barely being breathed by lawmakers, sources indicated that already, a third round of stimulus might be on the horizon.
Lawmakers are fervently trying to win over voters with promises of being well taken care of during these pandemic times, and talks of checks and balances are much needed to keep the American public assuaged enough to not riot more, with desperate need for more consumable goods that they could otherwise not afford. One recipient commented, "I can now afford to buy that new Hi-Def HD TV that I would have had to loot for if not for this second round of checks. EBT already covers my food."
People all over the United States are eager for more free goods and plenty, and are unwilling to keep their entitled derrieres at home unless they get what they want. "People need to have stuff," said one commenter, as they collected belongings off the ground that belonged to a homeless man, clearly feeling the need to keep such items out of the hands of the deserving, and serving one's own interests in order to better beautify their city streets from rubbish and waste that had been reclaimed during the last set of riots.
"This third wave of stimulus checks is intended to make sure that the American public stays at home, doing nothing to make sure we are doing what we're supposed to, other than making promises that they will have what they need and desire. Rest assured, while they are loafing around at home, protecting themselves and others from possible contamination, as instructed by their government officials, they will have no reason to put in any undue effort to keep this country in check, putting due process on hold, and believing whatever they are told, at great possible expense to themselves should they decide to grow a brain." Congressperson Canu Diggit (D. PA) also commented, "We will watch them like hawks, spying on their every move, checking their bank accounts and spending actions, and they can plan to stay at home, practically indefinitely. Now who wouldn't be okay with that?"
Sounds like a plan, and one lawmakers are assuring will keep the country cowering in their corner, in fear, as they line their pockets for years to come, unless we're invaded by Canada, of course.
by Itol Juso
While Americans are busy not being busy, and relying on government officials to keep them safe, a rogue Canadian militia has been forming in the northern regions of Quebec. Bent on showing America "how a civilized country does things," Canadian officials are scrambling to quash the militant group so to leave America to their own devices. "We don't need no skirmish with the States, don'tchaknow!?"
Sources indicate that the group is planning the invasion around the same time as the next round of Covid-19 is expected to arise, sometime this winter, "Cuz Americans don't know cold like Canadian's know cold. We'll hit em when they're most vulnerable. We'll take the war outside and show dem who's boss. You can't handle a sniffle, how can you expect to fight a Canadian winter," said one militant, indicating their intension to bring a cold front to the State's door and give a loud knocking.
"We've taken your backlash and jokes fer jears, and we've had enough, eh! It's time the United States learn what being an American, a North North American, really means - spend a day in our frosty outdoors and see if you don't go cowering back to your temperate lands."
With talks of war on the horizon, American government is simply not persuaded to flicker a care. "Those mounties are simply blowing steam from all the hot air suddenly cooling when they open their mouths. They best take care or they might catch a frost bite," stated an insider within the Presidential Cabinet, clearly not fearful of any real threat. "Canadians love us. Heck, half our major motion picture actors are Canadian. Clearly, they like it better here."
With peace talks being alleged, only time will tell if the Canadian militia will actually engage our humble borders or stop a moment, shake their heads, give a wave, and walk off realizing the ridiculousness of thinking it even worth the effort. Give it a couple years, guys, and we'll bequeath it to you on our own once our politicians run our economy into the ground.
by Kev Lars
Former National Geographic Photojournalist, with twenty years experience photographing various real world and wildlife scenarios for the magazine, turned alleged shooter-for-hire, Buck Schott, was apprehended Friday night after a 7-month exhaustive search to find the person responsible for a non-fatal shooting of an extended family, that took place back in December, one week before the holidays. "It's like Christmas in July," stated one Seasonal Officer.
Printed proofs and enlarged Photographs provided evidence of the shooting, and aided Federal Officials in their manhunt. "The family is lucky to have survived the massive gathering, and fortunate enough to have visual proof of the shooting. Many shots were fired off, catching many in the family off guard. A number of the photos showed members blinking, while others were looking off in various directions. The kids, especially, were difficult to get to cooperative in the investigation, since most weren't paying attention when shots were taken."
Upon capture, Schott made immediate statements of his involvement, making claims that his services were contracted by various members within the family who wanted a venereal account of the congregating relatives. When asked to comment on his transition from famed Photographer to Shooter-for-Hire, Schott exclaimed, "It was easy. The terminology is pretty much the same when you're doing a shoot or setting up a shoot. You talk about payment and hitting the mark, and no one bats an eye because nothing devious seems to be setting up. I figured after retiring from Nat Geo, I needed a new occupation where I wouldn't have to learn any new skills, but could use the skills I'd already honed over the course of my illustrious career."
Fortunately, no serious injuries were sustained during the melee, only a few minor cuts and scrapes by family members who were busy running around the rented facility where the shooting occurred. If charged with the commission of the shooting, Schott may be accredited and convicted with felony shooting of a person, or persons in a group, by which, under the penal code for such an act, could face life of impudence without the possibility of procurement. The District Attorney is currently perusing the proofs to decide if there is enough evidence for a conviction, should they go to trial, or if a holiday deal would be better struck to save tax payers' money.