by I. Mune Ittyby I. Mune Itty
The CDC issued a statement yesterday, that a rare blood type might show promise in creating a vaccine against Covid-19.
In a report from July 4, scientists found that persons with blood type OAO, a truly rare blood type, only spoke about in Sailor lore, was recently discovered in a swank donor, who is currently anonymous, for fear of their life, due to the possibility of positive Covid case individuals finding them and draining them of their lifeblood to use for hopeful inoculation. "I'm not ready to die to save mankind." they told the CDC. "But, ay Matey, I will give a pint to help try to find a cure," offering a dark Amber Guinness as a consolidation.
Seeking treatment for an unrelated medical disorder, Patient OAO had provided blood to a medical facility. A lab tech, doing testing of the blood, made the discovery of the rare blood type. "I couldn't believe it. At first, I thought it was a mistake. Type OAO? I was like, 'Oh, Oh, OAO?' and screamed, 'Argh, is this machine broke again?' So, I reran the tests until I ran out of the blood sample. But, the mass spectrometer never lies, however, I used up all the blood, so I wasn't able to provide results for the treatment they came to us to have, and they're unwilling to give more blood since the discovery." The lab tech went on to say, "I think they're just being selfish. They could save the world. Why wouldn't they give us all their blood if it could help us find a cure?"
Currently, the CDC has scouts looking for Patient OAO, whom has gone missing since the initial report was made public. Officials are skeptical of finding them now. "They've remained anonymous all their life, presumably, living on the high seas. We don't know if we'll find them again, but hope they will resurface."
Sources say that outlooks are not good, and it's as if Patient OAO has evanesced. One witness claimed to have seen men in dark pea coats show up at their house one night and scuttered them away, but cannot recall fully since receiving a concussion from an undetermined incident while standing near the window.
by Yubel Eve Wryte
In an internal memorandum circulated within the CDC, and leaked by an anonymous source within its organization, the major contributing factor to catching Covid-19, has been determined to be "breathing." Subjects who have contracted the virus all claimed to be active in breathing on a regular basis, despite the possibility of infection; they state that it was vital to survival "You can't live if you don't breathe," and was a leading factor in their decisions to put themselves in harm's way.
Sources within the medical community warn of the dangers of breathing. "If you could go without breathing, especially while in public, you could greatly reduce your chances of contracting the disease," says one health official, off the record. "People overestimate the importance of breathing. It's not as vital as they may think. You can hold your breath for long periods of time and not die. Clearly, if you look at the curve of human intelligence, it is obvious that some have been able to exist without proper oxygenated brain function all their lives. People just lack the cognizance of such data." "However," they warned, "there are side effects, as the date indicates, like vasovagal syncope, which can be quite severe if the person has subjected their brain to extensive periods without oxygen, but what's a little loss of brain function, or intelligence, to the possibility of death because they felt they 'needed' to breathe to live? People are pretty stupid anyway, so who would really notice?"
Radical groups, like the BSL [Breathing Saves Lives], has been linked to various public demonstrations where protestors have gathered in large public areas and taken deep breaths, exhaling, and repeating the process. "We believe breathing is important," stated one of the leaders. "One deep breath is as vital to neural stimulation and proper brain function, as 3 short breaths, if not more so since it provides larger quantities of vital oxygen at a time. The brain needs oxygen. How else are we expected to acquire it?"
Medical experts are skeptical of the claims, stating that it is "very dangerous to breathe in public." "Medical professionals are working hard at finding a resolution so that people won't need to breathe, but can accumulate oxygen in the blood stream without the use of lungs," says one doctor with Johns Hopkins Medical.
Various injectable methods and treatments are being tested and scientists are hopeful at finding an alternative to breathing by the beginning of 2021.
by Matt Adore
People are fuming at a recent study released by Harvard Medical. After a decade long study of the affects of BS on a control group, Harvard found most became allergic after only one or two exposures. One patient stated, "We shouldn't have to be exposed to such flatulence. Those that are expelling waste into the air, are affecting people on more than a surface level. It can mess with people's minds. They should just keep that shit to themselves."
According to the study, people are nearly 99 times more susceptible to BS, which an astounding 75 percent quickly becoming allergic, while 25 percent take longer for its affects to penetrate their thick dermis. Of those 25 percent, there are still about 10 percent who just do not get it, and remain asymptomatic to it.
Professor Fustian stated that "Although a great number of people come into contact with BS, nearly on a daily basis, only a few really know how to ward against it, or can recognize it upon their first wiff. Much of the time, it takes a second for it to become evident that BS is in the air and that they are being exposed to it, usually unwillingly. The best defense to such offensive pontifications, is to simply avoid anywhere and anyone that you assume could be a carrier and could subject you to such balderdash. Maybe, avoid it all is the best advice one can give."
This study, after a decade of investigative exploration and inquiry, not only through control group testing, but probative inquisition, has been one of the most onerous ones undertaken by Harvard Medical. Due to the high demands of other studies, which many in the medical field feel deserve more diligent consideration, many of the researchers found themselves ruminating over whether such a study should be given such serious attention.
In the end, it was decided that the evidence compiled by the study, although seemingly overt and perceptible to many of their own accord, is conclusive and worthy of sharing with the world, even if it is deemed as bunk and nonsense to have even been dedicated time to.
Matt is a community commentator with 20 years serving his local community through media and news. He is hailed by SQD as a top writer who has received the "WHAT'S BEST TO KNOW" award 10 times for his reporting. Thank you Matt for bringing credibility to SQD.
by Gota B. Shittemy
Manufacturers of the newly created NOSHEIT claim their suppository is ideal for people who want to keep the extra pounds and are not looking to expunge additional caloric matter.
After years of research and testing, DUNGBETEL, the company behind such popular supplemental products as ETESHEIT and GIVASHEIT, feel they finally have put a cork in the dietary advancement arena and discharge any claims that their product hazards any wastes of nutritional supplication.
"NOSHEIT allows the body to hold onto vital nutrients that would normally be wasted by the body's natural processes. With our new suppository, nutrients are reabsorbed through the colon and important vitamins and minerals won't be lost in the end."
Scrutinized by some critics as simply causing constipation among users, Dungbetel refuses to let annotators dump on their findings, and claims their product simply prevents the body from dispatching of ingredients found in food that the body tends to disuse. "It's a lost opportunity for the body to utilize all the nutrients that food and supplements supply," claims Dungbetel's co-founder, "and we felt that such expenditure of provisions was a misapplication of the body's intended function."
NOSHEIT is due to hit fanbase of Dungbetel's elite line of products this fall, once distributors are flushed with supplies for approbation upon shelves.