by Ray Nombéby Ray Nombé
In downtown Los Angeles, proclaimed queen of Pop, Ariana Grande got caught in a sudden reign storm. Amidst the usual drought of the season, and near never happening rainfall for LA summertime, a sudden deluge of rain fell on the city, dousing the famed pop vocalist in a flood of admiration from fans as she proved she's just a girl, who was looking at a boy, asking him to love her.
In a collaborative effort to quickly get surprised fans out of the precipitation, Ariana and her co-singer Lady Gaga, stepped up to the mic to make a lovely harmony, only to be drowned out by the falling rain, but the excitement of the fans was not washed away by the flurry, and once the torrent subsided, everyone was back on the fairgrounds to splash in the puddles and depurate the slight spate of waterfall from bringing the night to a halt.
"It's a distilling feeling," admired Ariana, "that fans will rumble for a good time when a good time is to be had, and won't let a little rainfall rinse away their vigor, but will bathe themselves in the magic of the night and be cleansed from any negativity." Lady Gaga also commented, "It's hard to believe that during a song about being washed over by excitement and joy, that the skies of LA open up and bring ablution to the city."
Luckily, no one was hurt during the melée, only a little mud left on shoes and clothes, and despite the rain, no one was electricuted. Stage Hand, Elle Trocute, lauded the quick thinking of the concert crew and their use of specialized insulated wiring that prevents such possible disasters. "You can never be too careful, and proper use of proper wiring is key in making sure that the fun stays on the stage display, not in a display of electrical calamity."
by Suge Aredsweet
The ever so popular Fiddled Faddle, in a press release today, admitted that the origin story that has been circulating about their beloved brittle is a hoax, and that any story of their history is nothing but "jive boondoggling" and is "totally unsavory" in their opinion. The story of Luna Fiddler, the proposed original creator of Fiddled Faddle, was revealed to not be a real person or a real story, much to the disillusioned dismay of may faddlers, who have enjoyed the sweet treat for years, and now learning of the deceptive concoction, have lost their sweet delight of the snack.
"How can you claim a heritage that is caramelized in lies and pretends? It's just nuts." People are popping at the slanderous news and can't believe such sugar coated folly. One treater is left without delight, "They can no longer butter me up and sweeten my life. They really scorched my kettled derriere. I've had to give them up, and don't think I'll ever let another treat, sweetened in lies, make my mouth water again."
Although some critics think a name change is unnecessary, a company insider says that due to the increased allusions and burnout to the now blackened Fiddled Faddle name, they are not lilly gaggling over right or wrong, but of necessity to bring back nibblers of their noshly branded delight, and have decided upon a newly devised marketing maneuver that is hoped to assuage previous fans of the savory snack. As a result, the company has decided to rename the tasty treat, saying the once loved butter sweetened popped corn and nuts delicacy will now be called Crackalackin' Honeychai'd, which will also subsitute their infamous overly high fructosed caramal with a new natural honey chai infusion. They hope the rebranding will foster good faith and desire from fans and that those who have sworn off the treat in light of recent falsities will return in a snap with gladdened appetence.
by Ryan O'Plasti
For years, the debate between soda makers with similar formulas has raged. Which do you prefer - Coke or Pepsi? Can you tell the difference? For some, the tastes of both have enough contrast to tell one from the other, for others, they are too similar to differentiate. It is that inability to differentiate that Pepsi is similarly counting on when they launch their new product in the next couple months.
In an announcement of its intention to enter the powdered soda market, Pepsi spokesperson stated, "Coke's powdered form has had people feeling absolutely euphoric for too long... It's time Pepsi got in on that racket. With our proprietary high fructose corn syrup blend, we believe Pepsi can have you feeling the same high, but with zero side effects and less calories."
Officials from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and the Drink and Eats Association (DEA) have their concerns about another possible powdered caffeinated elixir entering the market, and allowing Coke and Pepsi to go head to head with each other in competition for sales, that such an ambitious rivalry might stimulate an all-out street war among consumers of their product.
"The idea leaves a bad taste in my mouth and stinks of Capitalistic callousness. Such a blasé approach at arousing consumers is not merely a nonchalant matchup between two aloof competitors, it is the start of Soda Cartels trying to take over American redolent nature and get people fighting over which is a more superior product, and absurdly possibly, more robust," raged one Marketing Insider. "Each's attempt to monopolize the industry is nothing frivolous to contend with, and not to be trifled over. People who enjoy powdered beverages already made their choice years ago, and adding more to the market will only create a frenzy of opposition that could potentially douse the American Public and leave them salivating for more."
Sources close to both companies deny the innuendos and claim that adding more powdered soda product to the market will simply encourage an Investopedia that has long needed to be galvanized by competition and growth.
by Une Levin
With the current racially charged climate causing companies to rethink branding and products, the famed oyster crackers recently came under scrutiny. In a matter that some deem as urchincy, the crackers are scheduled to be recategorized.
"The term 'oyster' has such a negative connotation, seemingly singularly categorized to where people just can't sea that the word could have such social impacts. The entire grouping has an allegory of discontinuity to what it really is, which is, in fact, just unleavened bread in a bite sized formation," states cracker enthusiast Joe Sowyte. "I mean, crackers are loved by all peoples, of every type and tribe, it's colorless."
However, since the cracker is not literally identified as bread, Provisionary Adjudicators have ground out a category that they believe best serves all who enjoy the salted, or unsalted, baked flour good, and have suggested the term 'tasty wheat' instead.
For years, terminology has taken on the facade of neutrality, but with categorizations of color being attached to those terms, society has had to rethink how to refer to so many things, once not given a second thought of their social stakes.
"The term 'crackers', though delicious and crunchy, could be derived to be a social-political ideology and thus, in dire need of reform," hypothesized one strategist. "By calling them 'tasty wheat', it is a more accurate description of what they really are, but referring to them as 'crunchy' or 'salted' might also have to be reassessed. Makers of the flatbread might also have to revise the shape since the formation of such dogma is so square in today's market."
by Fin Gerlikin
The Cowsardissed Chicken fast food chain is synonymous with fowl products that are consumed and enjoyed by many, but today, announced two new blazingly spicy southern style chicken flavors being added to their menus, that are sure to make fans of 'Hellfire' and 'Brimstone' Crispy Chicken Sandwiches.
Cowsardissed spokesperson made the reveal today, along with bringing samples of the new spicy chicken sandwiches for reporters to try, coyly claiming, "Even the most fainthearted to spicy foods can't remain timid to our new Curry Chicken, or our new Red Hot Chicken. These new sandwiches definitely aren't for the meek, they will burn your mouth and set fire to your tummy, but you won't be able to be indiffident to them for long. There's no being demure when eating these sandwiches, get out the extra napkins and prepare to wipe the sweat off your brow and sauce off your face, and then eat the napkin afterward. Forget the glass of water, there's no putting out this fire! Don't be a yellow bellied, lily livered coward, and give our new sandwiches a chance to beget hell on earth for anyone who claims to be a lover of Chicken."
Not to be outdone, the Beef industry is launching their own campaign of Spicy Beef products, offering burger lovers the new CHARRED BEYOND Burger, for those who really like their burger well-done and then some, the new BLOODY MARY for those that like the burger rare, but the assaulting of spices high enough to send them to the hospital, and lastly, the MAD COW that will give you involuntary muscle seizures from the level of spiciness, and possible dementia, with no memory of having eaten the burger, for up to 2 hours after partaking.
The battle between Beef and Chicken has raged on for years, and now, the Pork and Beans industries are planning to get in on the carnage. It's to be an all-out-war on the senses to lovers of spicy foods. Only those who can't stomach such herbaceous grit are immune, but those who have no taste for competition will have to choose a side as the fever ensues, and claims to leave one sure winner, the consumer!
by Sal Ladd
Vegetarian enthusiasts are growing restless in leaps and bounds at the size of this new salad bowl being offered on Amazon at dirt cheap prices. The uncompromising 24 inch bowl will have you rolling with envy as you take on greens for growth without all the GMO's (Gargantuously Mineralled Organics).
Greensmen and women all over the country are now growing up harvestable medleys for vegetable lovers nationwide, and hope that within the next few years, to be able to feed the world with such amassed outputs that are being predicted to surpass crops, aggriculturized by other countries, by limitless folds. Utilizing old school hydration and cultivation techniques, farmers have adopted the traditional approach of using HMO's (Humanly Manured Organics) to advance development, to produce ample stockpiles of herbaceous plants, garnering crops that would make the mouth water.
In time for Autumn festivities, cultivators believe the newly engineered yields will be a sure delight to those looking to spend holidays with families and wanting to use naturally reaped produce for feasts. One tenured sower exclaimed, "It has been grazen of us to be so brazen to think that using GMO's, we could produce crops that were both healthy and considerably substantial, but now, we're finding these old world proficiencies were truly systematic in delivering oodles of edibles that many, for thousands of years, ingested with bounteous exuberance."
The marketing for this Kickstarter bowl launched over a year ago, and within hours, reached their goal, and then some, exceeding the $2000 that was hoped for, by nearly one million percent. The COMPARA BOWL can be purchased on Amazon for a measly shilling of coinage, with a price point of $39.94, which is "diddly squat if you consider the costs of cutting down massive trees on protected lands in the Amazon in order to produce the bowls. To make just one wooden bown takes nearly a whole tree!" admitted one manager within the manufacturing plant that constructs the bowls for COMPARA BOWL's company WANTON WOODS. "It takes a lot of woods to sup up such succulent greens."